Three Little Helpers
by Atopos
Summary: Tobi wants help getting Deidara to like him as more than a partner and an annoyance. Warnings: ToDei, YAOI, and Hidan's bad mouth.


**Three Little Helpers**

Deidara was in a silent mood for a change. He sat outside, soaking in the sun, watching as birds killed spiders, fish ate flies, and snakes took on mice. The smile on his face was the sign that he enjoyed the peace and quiet of his afternoon alone. Even the members of Akatsuki who didn't respect him fully as a person knew not to interrupt the bomber or suffer the consequences of him looking for something else to do.

The blond was actually surprised to be alone. Most of the time Tobi was attached to his hip, and now he had no clue as to where his partner could be. Stifling a heavy sigh of indifference of the trouble Tobi could be getting into, Deidara rolled onto his side to prepare for a nap.

Little did he know, though, he was being watched by four members of the group. Tobi followed by Hidan, Kisame, and Zetsu were hiding in the tree branches, Zetsu on the forest ground below. Their voices were hidden as were the sound of the leaves moving whenever they shifted position.

"Why don't you just go over there and ask him?" Kisame asked confidently, "What's the worst he could do?"

"I'll tell you," Hidan began loudly, "he could fucking laugh in his face, or fucking deny him, or fucking beat the shit outta him."

Tobi trembled slightly at all the ways Deidara could act after saying anything about his feelings. He loved Deidara with all his heart, and he wanted the blond to know more than anything. Before, he didn't care if Deidara never spoke to him again. Now that he had thought about it, he wanted the boy by his side for good.

"Do you know what you're going to say to him?" Kisame asked with a toothily grin. He took a thoughtful pose and began mulling over what he believed would be the right way to handle the situation. "I was thinking about flowers or candy."

Hidan chuckled, "Oh, there's a nice idea. Why don't we_ all_ do that? Give Deidara another fucking good reason to hate everyone's guts, and spit on our graves when we all go to hell, and blow up the fucking plumbing again. Fucking brilliant idea."

Tobi had already thought about that. Flowers were a great idea to him, but only if Deidara liked them and wasn't allergic. That was the hard part, finding out if Deidara could stand flowers. After a few embarrassing situations involving a few of the members throwing plants at the blond and locking him in a room with Zetsu's flowers, Tobi came to the conclusion that Deidara may not be allergic to plants.

"I was…um…thinking about daffodils…" Tobi said softly, hiding the blush his mask covered. In his hand, he held one of the yellow, spring flowers as if to emphasis his point. "They would match sempai's hair and love of life, right?"

Kisame shook his head determinedly. "No way, roses or carnations would be better. Deidara may look tough, but I'm certain he could be a romantic at heart."

Hidan leaned over on his branch as if to sneer at Kisame, "You mean if he fucking has a heart. So far, the little bitch as been a bastard to nearly everyone around him. Do you think he has fucking PMS?"

Feeling like having the immortal member beaten to a pulp, Kisame smiled evilly, "Why don't you go ask him that? I'm sure Deidara would be thrilled to have his mood ruined. That way, he could have an excuse for putting clay spiders and centipedes in your bed." Kisame's nasty streak was starting to show instead of his cheerful one, "You don't seem to be giving any advice on this matter. Never asked anyone out before?"

"The hell are you talking about?" Hidan bellowed, "Of course I fucking have! I just don't do any fucking pansy romance shit. What I would do would be go over there, push down on the fucking grass, and fuck him 'til his lungs were sore from screaming my name! How's that for help?"

"…" Kisame stared blankly at him, "That's what you would do to Deidara?"

"Of course!" Hidan stated proudly until he thought the question over in his mind, "Hey! Wait a fucking minute! You fucker! That's not what I meant!"

Tobi jumped down from his branch, landing next to Zetsu. Being up there was like having the devil and the angel yelling at each other from his shoulders. Zetsu, though, just watched the blond quietly as if looking for any hints of what he wanted by his movements.

"Zetsu-san," Tobi whispered in his old teacher's ear, "what do you think Tobi should do? Tobi really, really likes Deidara-sempai and wants to be with him forever."

Without making a sound, Zetsu stepped out of the bushes, taking with him Tobi's single flower. He walked towards Deidara, who was still in the grass yet now awake, the other three watching him curiously. Deidara sat up in a form of respect, his limbs stretching as he struggled to stand.

Tobi immediately hid himself farther into the bushes, wanting nothing more than to be back in the hideout. He could see Zetsu pointing towards the bush he was hiding in, then hand the flower to Deidara. If the blond was shocked, he disguised it well.

Deidara looked from the flower, to Zetsu, and finally the bush…and smiled with a delicate blush.

- Atopos


End file.
